My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
