I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
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