3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
