Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
