Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
