it wasn't lemon gatorade
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
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Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
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no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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