Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
sex in a hospital.. check
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
