I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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