I got chris browned last night
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
