I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
