dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
