right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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