dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
