So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
