if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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