I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
