So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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