Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
