I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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