I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
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