Welp...herpes.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
