He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
