I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
