I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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