I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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