Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
