i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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