You smell like stripper and shame
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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