her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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