I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
