On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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