I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
