Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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