My liver just broke up with me...
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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