i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
