this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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