you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
