My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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