I'm eating all of the evidence.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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