Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
