Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
