that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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