Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
