it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
