Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
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