good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
