Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
