Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
