she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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