Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
