My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
you are never too drunk for berry picking
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Drunk is not a location!
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