You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
