I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
