Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
