Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
