Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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