he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
