remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
