I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
