I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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