I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
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thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
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I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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